What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
