He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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