Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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