The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
