So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
