Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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