the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
