I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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