OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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