I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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