You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
