After last night, I could never be a politician.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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