Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
