So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
