That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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