I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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