So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
