he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
