I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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