I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
