Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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