my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
