dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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