You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
