Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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