I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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