You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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