3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
