he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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