I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
