They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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