we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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