Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
