Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
