All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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