Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I understand Curling. That high.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We just shotgunned beers for America
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
