Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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