I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
