how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
