I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
