a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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