i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
