i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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