Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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