Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize