My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
