Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
