did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
