rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
