i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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