i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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