I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my shit smells like andre
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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