Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
