why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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