there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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