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I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
