im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
