Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
