I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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