i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
