At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
