btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
