Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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