woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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