I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
