Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
