6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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