so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish you could order shots online.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
