The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
