Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Quick, to the slutcave!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize