Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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